Conduct this exercise at least once per person, so that each of you gets a turn as “speaker” and as “listener,” respectively. You can repeat the exercise as many times as needed until each of you has shared whatever is on your mind and you’re confident that it’s been heard, understood, and, if applicable, resolved or addressed.
What’s something that you’d like the listener to know, but that you haven’t yet shared? This could be because it feels awkward or uncomfortable in some way, or because it’s hard to articulate, or because you just haven’t gotten around to it, or for any other reason. (Founders, feel free to reference the prompts in Amy Buechler’s “founder sync” guide for inspiration.)
Take a first pass at briefly expressing this to the listener. Try to include not just the relevant facts, but also what you think and feel about them. You can use this assertive communication template to help structure what you communicate, if/as applicable.
Observe: what do you notice in the speaker’s words, behaviors, and/or nonverbal cues that seems potentially important to understand?
Elicit: ask any questions that can help you better understand what you’ve observed. Follow your curiosity! Make the questions open-ended enough to encourage elaboration and active engagement, but not so open-ended that the speaker doesn’t know what you’re asking.
Reflect: once you feel like you have an initial understanding of what the speaker is trying to express, paraphrase it in your own words. (Resist the temptation to agree/disagree or launch into problem-solving at this stage!) If in doubt, try the basic formula of:
Tentative opening (“It sounds like…”)
Feeling (“you’re excited/frustrated/scared…”)
Because (“that/when/because…”)
Thought (“you think we’re moving too slow?”)
Check understanding: ask the speaker for feedback in a way that invites correction/clarification. E.g.: “Does that capture it? Anything that’s missing or not quite right?”
If the speaker corrects or further clarifies: repeat steps 3-4 as many times as needed until the speaker feels fully heard and understood.
(OPTIONAL) Advanced reflection: if/when the opportunity presents itself, try to reflect a feeling/belief/desire/intention that you think might be implicit in what the speaker has explicitly said. E.g.: “I hear that you’re feeling really anxious and guilty about the missed deadlines, but I wonder if there might also be some anger there?” Repeat steps 4-5 (erring even more on the side of tentativeness and curiosity!) until a shared understanding has been reached.
Anything you’d like to say, ask, offer, or suggest in response to what the speaker has shared?
What is your mutually agreed upon action plan for resolving the conflict / repairing the relationship / ensuring everyone’s needs get met? When/where/how will you carry out this plan?
What is something you particularly appreciate about each other and the version of yourselves you’ve brought to this conversation?